Milton Was Deceived

After my last bout of newsletter stapling, I think that I might reevaluate my decision to continue the internship. The awkward one-on-ones, empty small groups, and occasionally obnoxious campus minister are all tolerable, but I do not think that I can deal with my Swingline anymore. They never warned me of this.
Due to the publicity it received in Office Space, I had high hopes for my Swingline. It seemed mechanically sound, equipped with a small plate allowing your staples to bend outwards or inwards. It was sleek and stylish, gray with a cursive logo. On top of everything else, Swingline actually makes staples for their staplers, a perfect union of binding bliss (they're really quite nice once you get over the fact that they are electric blue and you still have 1800 to go before you can buy more). Then my world came crashing down.
According to his Inferno, Dante believed that the lowest level of hell was reserved for traitors, such as Judas, Brutus, and David Campbell, CEO of ACCO, producer of the famous stapler. Having neatly organizing my dinner table into different stations for the unstapled, stapled, stamped, and addressed, I commenced with my duties. I am, let the reader understand, not a stapler guy. I am a simple person, and they have too many springs and moving parts; I prefer paper clips (jumbo of course), ACCO brand if the truth be told. Occasionally, on a wild day I'll use an alligator clip, but never staplers. This being said, it is clear why I chose Swingline: ACCO's paper clips were good quality, so their staplers had to be...right? Wrong. I constantly had to pull up the loading arm to reset the spring on the stapler because it jammed every other staple. After thirty such episodes, I smote the gray demon repeatedly to no result save to litter my dinner table with electric blue Swingline droppings.
It was a long night.
Now I am come to a fork in the road; two decisions lie before me. The positive of the two is to begin a new company that will produce quality staplers for all who have more paper work than they desire. The negative of the two is to track down the Swingline-making plants that exploit cheap labor in South America and tearing them down. I do not know which road I will take, but I do know that I can no longer continue on the one that I currently tread.